John and I got married this past weekend (pictures are at the bottom). Yesterday, in fact, as I am writing this. We chose to have a small gathering of close family and friends that live locally versus a "BIG" wedding. Both of us have been married before and have had our big weddings (2002 for him and 2003) for me.
We met three years ago, just before Thanksgiving 2020 on match.com. We declined their exit survey asking "Did you meet someone?" "What's their username?" Sorry, match.com. I went on there with the lowest of expectations. I just thought, "I'm looking for some new friends, and maybe, just maybe, next year I will feel ready to start dating."
John, meanwhile, had met a few older ladies, and had just wrapped up a brief - I don't even know what to call it - too short for a relationship, and a handful of dates that ended up nowhere. In fact, we've passed her house a few times and I've said, "Thanks -(her name) !" And I gave a little wave. Sometimes, it comes down to timing.
I joined in July. I spoke with two guys briefly and I wasn't feeling it. I gave up for months. Before Thanksgiving, I was feeling a bit lonely, and knowing the holidays were coming, a little down too. So, I logged in on my match account that was to expire in January, and nothing on the first day back that month. The next day, I switched it up and said, "Find awesome guys that are just normal and kind near me." Okay, not really, but I changed my settings to make location a priority in the men 40-55 range. I was 44 then.
We met the day before Thanksgiving (2020) at a small, outdoor barbeque-sandwich place that was at the corner of Valley Farm Market in Spring Valley. It's not there anymore as a barbeque place, but given the weather and other circumstances, the sandwiches weren't that great. We got together that Friday and the rest is history.
The Headache of Wedding Planning
When it came to looking for a venue for about 15-20 people (as we had decided to keep it small), it became an overwhelming situation. I found a wonderful place with great food and a central location. Originally, I thought we'd just have the reception there, in a small room with a long table. The pictures from another website were professionally photographed with great lighting. So, when I saw it in person it was about half the size and darker. Also, there was a room rental rate on top of the 27% banquet fee and 7.75% sales tax. I'm sure the tip would be 15-20% as well. So, at $100-150 per person for the food alone, there were too many add-on options worth mentioning. When I had a friend come with me (she would later be our officiant), somehow the wedding grew to an estimated $7,000. It included a ceremony on the lawn (with a rental fee - I think $1000), a cocktail hour, and a larger, brighter room (rental fee around $2000). This quote includes some extra drinks or a bartender, two tray-passed appetizers, a meal, and the fees.
Even one of the most popular places at Balboa Park in San Diego was going to be overpriced. Recently they've nearly doubled the previous prices. The Japanese Friendship Garden's 2023 brochure shows that a weekday (M-Th) "Minimony" package price for a 2-hour Ceremony-only is $3,670 (March and Holidays have an additional fee). Source: https://www.niwa.org/. There are other options: By the hour (Weekday) are at least $900.
Then, there's the required caterer list. I wanted Italian food. This limited my options even more. I sought out a restaurant. I looked at their menu. I figured for my group that it would be $100 per person for a two-course meal with wine and tip. Great, right?! I was excited because I knew parking wouldn't be an issue. I even looked into having a ceremony nearby, but the property is owned either by the military or the county and the were strict requirements. They have a $2000 minimum. It was close, but it still turned me off somehow.
The summer comes and I'm still changing my mind. We picked a restaurant that we had been to so many times over the years. After that decision, we ate there one afternoon. We get our usual and something is off. Not just that the "prime filet meatballs" were barely warm, but it wasn't the same kind of meat. It tasted different and the texture was different. I happened upon Yelp, and saw a review that mentioned this item and they didn't think it was anything close to the prime meat. So, we think they didn't use prime filet, that's for sure. They certainly charged us for that. It's not just insulting. I wish I had said something at the time, but there are times when you just don't feel like complaining. We ate it, hoping our sandwich would be hot or at least much warmer, and it was. We haven't been back there since.
The Final Choice Is . . .
We decided to have it at home. Our dining table can handle ten people. We could add in a six-footer at the end and somehow we'd make it work. Having it at home made it so much more enjoyable and easier. We cleaned the house and I had time to enjoy decorating the table and setting everything up.
We ordered Phil's BBQ for delivery and picked up a few things from Costco. We filled the coolers with ice and shoved them near the counter. We told people to dress casually. We requested no gifts. We told people it would be alcohol-free. A friend provided Lyre's alcohol-free Prosecco. It tasted good! We toasted with recycled plastic stemless champagne flutes.
Having it at home made it easier for my friend to decorate the cake in our kitchen and not have to transport it. The other idea I had was to have her slice it, shove it in a cooler in individual boxes, and send people home. It never materialized because having wedding cake shouldn't have to go down like a drug deal!
My Thoughts:
Celebrating a wedding should always be the way the couple wants it. I love celebrating with people. I love watching people opening gifts. I made the mistake of my first wedding of asking everyone to watch us open gifts at the family brunch the next day at my parent's house. Gosh, how lame of me. I'll never forget how my dear Great Aunt Cecilia sat next to me and invited me and my "boyfriend," to visit her. She was a sweet lady with some memory issues. I just thanked her. I thought it had to be a Catholic wedding too. That would later come back to haunt me in the ways of getting a church annulment. It really doesn't matter if you marry someone that isn't interested in getting an annulment. I didn't ask him to. It's a long process, and I opted not to get married in the Catholic Church. I wanted an outdoor wedding and I wanted to keep it small. John wanted to keep it small as well.
Oddly enough, it was John's family and my friends that came. His friends, the very few that were invited were either out of town or couldn't make it for other reasons. I don't have any family that lives nearby. This was another reason to keep it small. So, we with our ten guests had a wonderful time. A friend of mine took some videos. My camera on a tripod took a five-and-a-half-minute video of our wedding ceremony. We spent the first ninety seconds just trying to figure out where to stand. It's actually quite funny to watch! That was after our first attempt to start the ceremony when Phil's showed up about twenty minutes early just as we were about to start. My camera was overheating, so just as I was about to shut it down after a minute of it filming some post-ceremony hugging, it told me it was about to power down.
There's an acronym I like: Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS). I wrote this because some people may feel like they were left out of the loop or that they think I met this guy and ten minutes later, we're married. I'm 47. I'm not pregnant and I really don't think that's even possible now. We don't want children. I can't even understand what it will be like for Robert De Niro's baby (born this year) to grow up just watching him on TV (or the internet). Oh, he's still alive (De Niro) but for how long? He's 80 now! But I'm not judgemental. No one is judgemental (insert heavy sarcasm because we all are. We just choose when to wheel that weapon out as it will always bite us in the arse in the end. So, be prepared, right?).
So, if you're one of those who think we should have a huge wedding in a big church, have an outrageous reception spending $29,000 (source https://www.cnbc.com/2023/02/21/2023-wedding-costs-inflation.html#:~:text=The%20average%20cost%20of%20a,this%20year%20because%20of%20inflation.)on the whole affair which includes a fully catered reception at some other location than the big church, with the cocktail hour, the professional everything (videographer, photographer) real flowers (I only used a single bunch of real roses from Costco on the cake - the rest were artificial roses I used in two bouquets, four flower balls, and two vase arrangements- all of which still look beautiful), then please shout it out to me! There's a comment section below. If you expected to be invited while having to fly out at your expense and get a hotel room and a rental car at your expense, then please leave me in your will!
Going with Plan B - On Everything, Including the Dress.
All terrible jokes aside, we had thought about a ceremony-honeymoon combination at the Sandals in Ochos Rios. But that's not our honeymoon plan anymore. Having to take a shuttle/golf cart for everything wasn't in my plan. So, as it always is in life, I often have to go with Plan B. Even when it came to my wedding dress. I had put Plan A on with the designated bra and even though I could just barely zip it up. It's a beautiful flower-embroidered creamy-beige-colored dress with spaghetti straps. It's low-cut in the front with some sheer fabric over the cleavage. However, it was long. I'd have to carry a fistful of fabric whenever I walked. It was already 80 outside at 10:30. It was fully lined. It was heavy. I knew I'd be self-conscious about my "wings" (lack of tricep definition) among other things. The bra wasn't doing it for me either. So, I opted for my backup dress with the jeweled belt. I wore the same shoes (it worked for either dress in my opinion). The only problem was that I hadn't chosen the jewelry for that dress ahead of time.
I opted for "something blue" which was a set of earrings and necklace that my former mother-in-law had sent me this year. It was made out of the inspiration for the painting "The Girl with the Pearl Earring." It had some pearls, some light amber stones, and blue stones. I wore a sapphire and diamond necklace in gold that my parents had given me that I only got to wear one other time (at my wedding rehearsal in 2003). I also wore a bracelet that belonged to my grandmother.
I'd like to celebrate with my family when I see them next. Sure, it won't be my friend's wonderful homemade cake. It'll be one from Costco most likely. It might even be chocolate. If it were up to me, it'd probably be pumpkin pie which should be around all the time. Do you hear that, Costco?
Plan B has happened so often to us. Easter of 2022. We tried to fly to Oklahoma. We weren't going to make it out there. Everyone was flying that weekend. Our plane was late. We wouldn't make the connection. We decided to stay home and went to the Wild Animal Park (Safari Park). We've canceled our trip to New York City twice. We'll go one day. We've canceled our first honeymoon. We tried to buy a house for seven months. We put in offers and deposits only to have to cancel two of the three accepted offers (and we got the deposits back). Just getting my dog after the first experience with those scammers (never buy a dog online - do you see my face turning red from embarrassment?). I even got a tag and named her Daisy. That's why Poppy is not named Daisy.
Life is Plan B. We can try to make plans and once in a while, everything goes perfectly! Our Hawaii trip was an example of that. Our wedding day was an example of that! Of course, we would have loved to see everyone and have everyone be there if all of that didn't come with a ridiculous price tag or some major inconveniences like getting a dog sitter, a babysitter, getting time off from work, or having missed connections on flights. It made sense to me in 2003 because I really did intend for it to be my one and only marriage at the time. It's just one day, and we have the rest of our lives to celebrate together!
Our Beautiful (and yummy) Cake (the wedding topper has a Corgi on the right).
